Mile High Misery

About week before I take my holiday vacation to see my nieces, I am treated to two very inspiring news stories involving planes. The first one is the crazy man who was shot and killed by the air marshall because he claimed to have a bomb and the second is the jet that lost control and skidded into the street, killing a child. As if my aversion to airports and traveling isn't bad enough! I'm gonna need extra valium when I leave for Georgia.

I've traveled enough after 9/11 to have a routine that gets me through the airport with a minimum amount of fuss and I will share it with everyone:

• First, I make sure that my bags are properly labeled and will fit under the seat in front of me. I don't check ANYTHING with the airline because they search the shit out of your stuff, it can get lost, and a million people have black canvas luggage. Cut to you at the baggage carousel after an insane flight with a hundred other people and grabbing someone else's luggage because you think it's yours. Not fun!
  

• Next, make sure that you have NO METAL on your body. This includes zippers, buttons, pocket change, and cock rings. I personally like to travel in pajama pants and a tank top with a neoprene cock ring. It's comfortable, you get cruised by hot business men, and you can breeze right through a metal detector... unless you've got a metal plate in your head or a prince albert.

• Bring a snazzy electronic device to play with on the plane. My favorite is the game boy advance with Tetris. It lets people know that you're hip, you've got great hand-eye coordination, and that you don't want to be bothered. Some people prefer the iPod video so they can look at porn. But you can't really play with yourself on the plane, unless your flying on Michael Jackson's Neverland jet.
  

• There's nothing more embarrassing than having a pill bottle out for people to gawk at. Don't give them any more reason to gossip about you! To survive those long plane rides, hide valium in your mouth, between your cheek and gum. Then pop it when they offer those cute little overpriced vodka bottles. Welcome to dream land!
  

Follow these simple steps, and your travel experience is sure to be filled with sexy adventure and a minimum amount of drama. Now you can focus on having a quickie with the cute flight attendant in the lavatory. Watch out for the sink!