Parade of Flesh - and I'm the Grand Marshal

With yesterday's somewhat beleaguer blog entry depressing everyone, I thought I'd write about something more uplifting today. It's no secret that I love porn. A lot of people are curious as to how I developed this fascination with skin flicks. Here's the story:

My addiction to porn was started by none other than... my mother! Trust me, the story really isn't gross. She was INDIRECTLY responsible for it. Late one night, I had a nightmare after my sisters forced me to watch Unsolved Mysteries with them. The combination of Robert Stack's chilling voice and the sight of composite drawings of wanted fugitives made it hard for me to get a good night's sleep. I knocked on my mom's bedroom door and told her that I had a nightmare and she yelled "JUST GO WATCH TV UNTIL YOU FALL ASLEEP!"

I was flipping through the channels and I landed on Cinemax and the nifty "feature presentation" thing that they play before a movie. I was like "hell yeah, how lucky am I to catch a movie right when it starts?" The movie was a softcore porn musical version of Cinderella, where Cinderella's fairy godfather (who is obviously gay) uses a magic wand that looked like a bicycle horn with a condom at the end of it to give her a snapping pussy. With her new-found sexual powers, she goes to an orgy at the castle and the prince is instantly energized by such a "unique" feeling while having sex with Cinderella. Fast forward, blah blah blah, the prince has to have sex with everyone in order to find Cinderella, the end!

It was campy, it was erotic, and it was surprisingly well-written. I was HOOKED! You could almost hear the trumpet fanfare as I was welcomed into the world of pornography. There was a funny scene where the women are trying to convince the prince's men that they are the ones with the snapping twat. "Mine snaps and crackles," says one woman. "And mine... pops!" said another.

In the eighteen years since my inception into Porno lovers non-anonymous, I've amassed an impressive collection of video tapes, dvds, and magazines. I am the Imelda Marcos of porn. I don't know why people think it's so unhealthy. I've also heard people say that it degrades men and women. But I think that Patsy Stone said it best when Saffy said that it was degrading to women: "What do you mean, SHE'S the one with the whip!"