Don't mess with meth, Seth! Meth equals death, Beth!

The topic of yesterday's Oprah was "17 year old meth addict." It caught my eye during my workout yesterday when I saw meth pipes being smoked when I glanced at the television monitors. I was like... WHAT!?!?

One of the guests was a gay man who tried to explain to Oprah what "barebacking" is. She had this look on her face like she didn't know what it meant. Then when he told her, she was like "Oh, that's what I thought it was." Cut to the audience and the old women shaking their heads in disgust because the gay man was talking about unprotected sex. Oh yeah, let's forget about the soccer mom who drove her kids out to the desert and left them there. I fucking hate Oprah audience members.

Hearing Oprah say the word "barebacking" was a little weird. She couldn't stop using it in a sentence.

One of the guests said that she was sober for 41 days. That's NOTHING. I could totally tell that she was lying to herself and everyone around her. I saw the craving in her eyes, and so did the doctor in the audience who told her that there's a difference between being in recovery and not using drugs. That statement pretty much undid MY nine months of "recovery." It's been about nine months since I stopped using crystal meth and I realized that I will never be fully rid of the need to do it again. The want will always be there. The need for that rush of sexual energy will always be haunting me. The breakdown of all my inhibitions will be waiting for me after I inject myself with the meth, and I am scared of that.

I never spent 122 days in rehab. I never sought counseling. I never had a sponsor. Does that mean I haven't fully recovered? Am I just lying to myself like the woman on the show? Is there a RIGHT way and a WRONG way to beat the crystal meth addiction? It kind of sucks how I'll always have to deal with the urge, but all I can do is look to the future and resist it whenever it comes up. Grr.