Cletus and Brandeen on the CTA

I saw one of the hottest men on the train this morning. He had the kind of blue collar look that's turned me on ever since I lived in Texas. His skin was very tanned, probably from working in the sun all the time. He sat next to his girlfriend, which means he's straight and that turned me on even more. But then the girlfriend pulled out a McDonald's bag and they both began to devour the entire breakfast menu. The hot guy was taking gigantic bites and talking with his mouth full of food. Then the girlfriend started breaking off parts of her McMuffin and feeding it to him. His mouth was still full of food and I caught a glimpse of the half-chewed McGriddle mixing with the McMuffin. They totally reminded me of Cletus and Brandeen from The Simpsons.

I did my best to hold down my breakfast, but then he started using the monopoly game piece to pick his yellowed and crooked teeth. It was like watching a trainwreck in slow motion. I just couldn't take my eyes off of them. He started to bite his nails and they began to bleed, so he asked her for a napkin. She picked one up off the floor and he used it to wipe his mouth and soak up the blood on his finger. Blargh! Then he just left the McDonald's bag and the bloody napkin on the floor as he proceeded to read the Red Eye, or as I like to call it... "The Yokel Herald."

As if he and his girlfriend couldn't be any more gross, he snorted his phlegm and SWALLOWED IT! Then he wiped his nose with his hand and looked at it. Thankfully, I was getting off at the next stop. I made a mental note as to where the nearest trash receptacles were, in case I had to suddenly vomit.

Ah, I love public transportation!