I Was a Teenage Shaygetz

I'm a big hit with my Jewish friends. Last Tuesday was Rosh Hashanah and it reminded me of being in Houston with them. If there was a movie about my life in Texas, it would have been called "The Fornicating Faygala." I loved being with a Jewish boy. Something about gay Jews makes me really hot. Maybe it's the nose. Maybe it's because their kisses tasted like rugalach. Whatever it was, I couldn't get enough of them. This weekend, I think I'll go up to Northbrook to hang out near the temples.

Speaking of noses, Ashlee Simpson was on SNL this weekend. Whenever I see Ashlee Simpson, I want to douse myself with gasoline and set myself on fire. She is so... blargh. I just can't stand her. People say that I'm jealous of her, but I'm not. I'm jealous of Mariah Carey because he can sing and dance and looks drop-dead gorgeous. Since Ashlee Simpson has none of those qualities, I can't be jealous of her.

She was totally lip syncing both of the songs because she was jumping up and down and marching in one spot like a soldier on crystal meth who just had a really bad nose job. The vocal track was totally the same and you couldn't hear her taking breaths. She had the mic up against her mouth so it was hard to see it. Ugh, I can't believe I'm analyzing Ashlee Simpson like this. I'm such a shlemeil.