Surreptitious Mummification

My boss put cheap, generic, one-ply toilet paper in the bathroom at work this week. I didn't know until it was too late. As I reached for the tp, I felt the thinness and roughness in my hand and I said "OH DAMN!" It was like sand paper against my delicate, nubile boy flesh. How can you sleep at night, knowing that your employees are suffering like that? There are two things you don't skimp on and they are toilet paper and cotton swabs.

Have you ever cleaned your ears with generic cotton swabs? It's the equivalent of the Egyptian embalming methods of ancient times. Priests would take thin, rigid objects and stick them into various orifices to extract tissue and organs. Then they'd cover the bodies in papyrus, a fibrous and rough material used in mummification and writing. Oh my GOD! That's just like the cheap toilet paper! I've been preparing my body for the afterlife all this time and I didn't even know it. Spooky.

The human body is a wonderful thing, and it should be treated with extreme care. That means two-ply toilet paper and heavy duty Q-tips. Moisturizing with Dove products is also a good idea. I can't tell you how many guys love to touch my supple flesh while taking in my fresh aroma. They're like "your skin is so smooth and you smell so nice!" And I'm like "it's genetic." Then I whisper to the camera: "Thanks, Dove!" Then we shag like rabbits.