Woe is me, channel 143

If you'd told me ten years ago that there would be a gay television network like Logo, I would have called you a liar and whipped you with a rubber hose. Growing up, we all used to throw a party whenever something gay was going to be on television. We had a crush on Ryan Phillipe when he was on One Life to Live and were outraged that he didn't get enough screen time. We were there when Ellen announced over the airport loudspeaker that she was gay. Now there are entire networks devoted to gay-themed programming. So why do I have such a bad taste in my mouth? (get your mind out of the gutter!)

Whenever I tune in to Logo, I always manage to catch some documentary about HIV or AIDS and how someone is coping with it. Sometimes I am lucky enough to be able to see that wonderful and so completely entertaining reality show with the two gay musician brothers (not so entertaining!). Then I saw that movie "Beautiful Thing" and I could have sworn that I lapsed into a boredom coma.

It's like Christmas time on XM Satellite radio when you hear them playing "Hard Candy Christmas" by Dolly Parton on the Christmas channel just because the song has the word "Christmas" in the title. Only the hardcore Dolly fans know that the song has nothing to do with Christmas. They just stuck it in there because of the title. That's how I feel about Logo. It seems as if they just plop movies and crap reality shows on there just because it's got homosexuals in it. Maybe they're just putting all the gay stuff on the channel, no matter how bad it may be, to act as a history lesson to show us how things used to be.

Still, I really don't find myself glued to the television watching the gay network. I just think that there's more to being gay than loving cocks and man spankings. It's our duty to showcase our witty and edgy perspective while still maintaining the sharp-tongued and slightly bitchy attitude that sets us apart from the models in the Sears catalog. When non homosexuals tune in to watch Logo, they're all going to think that we're boring pity whores because of what's currently on the lineup.

I'd love to see gay sketch comedy show. Gays and lesbians have been the butt of many mainstream sitcom jokes, and I think that it's time to turn it around and have a show where they constantly make fun of straight people. Don't think so? Well, In Living Color had enormous success poking fun at white people.

There should also be a plucky young gay person with a microphone going around to normal people on the streets and calling people out on their stupidity. He or she can go to a gay bar and hold up two seemingly identical shirts. The person has to identify which one is couture and which one came from Wal Mart. The idea is to show that hardly anyone can tell the difference and that we get too caught up in fashion that we end up paying a hundred bucks for a stupid t shirt that looks exactly like something you'd find at a bargain store.

If it were me, I'd have both of the shirts be from Wal Mart and the person on the street would end up looking like an idiot because they'd always be wrong.