Wallop the Trollop

I got an e-mail from Mad River Bar and Grill, promoting their nuts and bolts party for Valentine's Day. You can't really go out to a bar or club on Valentine's Day without being subjected to one of the gimicky theme parties that they do every year. Some places do the nuts and bolts, where one person has a nut and the other person has a bolt and they go around putting their bolts in other peoples' nuts until they find the right match. It's a great way to say "screw Valentine's Day!" There's also speed dating, post office, and other hokey matchmaking devices. Personally, I don't know why these bars are even bothering with something that people will forget the next day. They assume that everyone is outgoing and comfortable talking to strangers and the evening gets lame very quickly.

That's why I came up with a fun and memorable way for people to spend their Valentine's Day. Everyone brings an 8x10 face photo of their ex-boyfriend or girlfriend. Then we cut eye and mouth holes to make masks out of the pics and place them on unsuspecting volunteers. The person then gets to select a non lethal weapon from a weapon rack with padded nunchucks, pugil sticks, pepper spray, guns with rubber bullets, and flash grenades. Then we'll play the Benny Hill theme song for thirty seconds while the person gets to beat the shit out of the person wearing the mask of his or her ex lover. This wild and crazy game will be called "Wallop the Trollop."

"But Richie, that's so violent!" I know I'll get e-mails about this. When you think about it, Valentine's Day started with violence. A Roman emperor had St. Valentine beaten and beheaded for performing secret marriages against his decree. Beating the shit out of images of your ex boyfriend is not unhealthy. If anything, it makes you appreciate the non-violent part of your life. Only when you acknowledge the hurt and embarrassment that you had to go through while in your relationship and when you release it through non-lethal torture will you be able to move on with your life.

I think the world would be a different place if we instituted "Wallop the Trollop." You won't have women running over their husbands with their cars or diaper-clad astronauts trying to kidnap people in parking lots. You know I'm right!