Flirt Alert

Whenever I need to ship a package overnight, I go to my friendly neighborhood Kinko's and a young man who I'll call "Seth" always helps me out. He used to just make small talk with me, discussing the weather or a recent must-see movie. Then it progressed into raised eyebrows and sexual innuendo. Soon after, he started to call me 'babe' and began using the sexy goodbye wink. That was all I needed to construct an unhealthy fixation that resulted in various sexual fantasies starring me as the eager Kinko's customer who gets shown how to properly use the shipping labels. Wow! A funny and sexy man was flirting with ME! Cut to me floating away on a cloud of twitter dust.

My fantasy was quickly deflated when I found out that he had a girlfriend. The nerve! Why would someone toy with the emotions of a young gay man in need of overnight delivery? It suddenly hit me that he is one of those straight people who enjoys the attention he can get from gay boys who get hot from being in his presence. Epiphany usually makes me hungry, so I went to get a sandwich at a nearby deli in the neighborhood. Wait, that's just something I tell people to sound witty. The truth is that the only thing you can do when you realize that you've been had by a straight boy is to eat your problems away.

Audrey, the girl who always makes my sandwich, was very glad to see me that day. I slyly remarked to her that she was one of the few women who knew how to handle my meat properly and she gave me a free bag of chips. Then I left the deli with that "woohoo" feeling that roosters feel when they pass through a yard full of hens. But I was hit with yet another realization: I'm doing the same thing to Audrey as Seth is doing to me.

Irony is a bitch, ain't it? Here I am angry because Seth was using me to fulfill his need for gay affection and I'm leading Audrey on. I don't think she even knows I'm gay.

Here's what I learned from my experience:

Flirt with anything that has a pulse. It's essential for the survival of the Human race. Confused? I'll explain. When you flirt with someone, it stirs up feelings that he or she can't readily process. They have to think about how they feel, then quickly act upon that feeling or else it'll go away. They don't know what it is, but they like it. They'll make themselves look better or smell better to attract the other person. Fast forward a hundred years and you've got a great-smelling, well-polished species that any invading alien would be proud to attempt to conquer.

So the next time a straight man grabs your cock in the shower, don't get mad because he's messing with your mind. Thank him for looking out for his fellow Human.