Operation: There's Two in Every Family

I left one of my DVDs at my sister's place when I visited this past December. It was disc 3 of the first season of She-Ra Princess of Power. For all of the non-latchkey kids of the 1980s, She-Ra was He-Man's twin sister. She was a tall, leggy blond and she kicked major animated ass while managing not to pop out of her sculpted bodice. She-Ra is considered a gay icon, right up there with Wonder Woman and Xena.

Last week I got a call from my sister, telling me that I left the disc there and that my three year old nephew can't stop watching it. He runs around the house with a cape and a sword, proclaiming "I'M SHE-RA!" and she now blames me for the gay-ification of her son.

The debate over whether or not we're born gay is still around. I like to think that everyone is born with a little homosexuality seed inside them and that certain factors help it to grow into a wonderful tree. Learning hard life lessons, loving friends and family, confidence, and respect for the world can make your homo seed grow into one of those giant willow trees you see at botanical gardens in Vancouver. Conversely, you can end up with one of those Charlie Brown Christmas trees if you neglect your homo seed or feed it with repression and self-loathing. Nobody wants that!

I've decided to help my nephew's homo seed grow by incorporating my secret tactics. "Operation: There's Two in Every Family" was inspired by an episode of Alias, where children are tested and conditioned to become spies when they grow up. The next step is to teach him to put together his own outfits and to always make sure that his shoes are neat and clean.

Once he gets older, I'll have him memorize the Grease! soundtrack and we'll get him enrolled in some voice and movement classes. I also made flash cards with pictures of runway models and his job is to identify which outfit belongs to which designer.

As much as I would love to have two gay boys in the family, I wouldn't be upset if all my conditioning had no effect on my nephew. I guess I was just projecting my own feelings there. I never had a mentor when I was growing up, and it's going to be tough as hell for him if there isn't anyone to look out for him. And I just felt my heart beat with emotion after I typed that sappy bit, so that means I have to stop and practice my emotion suppression.