Switzerland

I was at the gym this morning where I attempted to do bench presses. I get really self-conscious sometimes because I can never go higher than 115 lbs. From the look of my massive rack, you never would have known. Just then, a skinny little boi glided past me and stacked up a daunting 225 lbs. on his barbell. He proceeded to outbench me and I was ready to walk away in shame, but I noticed that his form was all off. He was arching his back on the bench the same way I arch my back when I look in the mirror pretending to be a porn star on the set of my new movie. He was cheating.

I wanted to say something to him, but it's never really safe to get involved in certain situations. The boy could have been taking steroids, which would explain why he was able to lift that much. If I called him out on his terrible form, he very well could have clubbed me with a dumbbell while my back was turned.

I remember walking past an alley last month where I noticed two men in a car. They were in their seats, but beating the shit out of each other and screaming. It got so intense that the guy in the driver's seat kept bopping the horn on the steering wheel as he was turning to punch the other guy in the face. It was a little comical to see two grown men screaming at and punching each other.

A lot of people would be quick to come up to the car and pull them apart, but is that really wise? How do you know that one of them isn't packing heat? What if one of them has a knife? What if one of them had just taken a dump and hadn't washed his hands and accidentally scratched you while you got in the middle of the fight? Gross!

The smart thing to do in those situations would be to walk away and mind your own business. Be neutral, like Switzerland. You'd stay safe, and you'd also protect that cute face of yours from getting scratched up by a crazy person. People try to be heroes to make up for the years in their lives spent wasted on stupid things like neglecting their children or subscribing to Entertainment Weekly, but how often do you see their faces in the papers? Never!