Losing It

I got a mailing from Atlantis, a gay vacation company, advertising all the great new cruise packages this season. Included in the mailing was a brochure for the cruise which featured many pictures of gorgeous men with gorgeous bodies, all with perfect teeth and evenly tanned bodies. As if my self esteem couldn't get any lower! I just happened to be stuffing my face with food when I opened this packet, so you can imagine how disheartening that was for me.

I've never been on a gay cruise, so I wouldn't know what it what to expect. I imagine it would have a lot more tension than the pictures would suggest. I imagine myself in my swimsuit, walking past a bunch of guys who are scrutinizing every inch of my supple body. They'd look at my posture, my stride, and how well I fill my shorts. Three of them would be picturing what it would be like to violate me with various phallic-shaped objects. I guess you can say that it's a lot like being in a child pageant.

Seeing the men in the pictures prompted me to lose my belly fat. I've got okay looking arms and legs, but there's that pesky midsection that's always bothering me. I look like those sculptures of African fertility goddesses with the big bellies and heads and short stubby arms and legs.

I know.... I KNOW! It's what's inside that counts. The people who say that obviously have never been in a room full of gay people. They're like vultures that wait for lame gazelle to hobble by. They feed on other peoples' imperfections the same way that actual vultures tear the rotting flesh from a carcass in the steppes of Mongolia.

I'm pretty happy with the way I look right now, but it would be nice to not have to suck it in whenever I pass by a gaggle of queers. Fortunately, I've decided to follow the wonderful advice of my friend Joe. With his eating plans and my tree trunk legs running a bunch of miles each day, I hope to look less like Humpty Dumpty and more like one of the king's men.

Those cruise brochures are not really accurate anyway because I only saw one black guy and one Asian guy in the whole packet, even in the panoramic shot of the thousands of queens on the deck at the same time. I know that the people who actually attend the cruises don't all look perfect like the guys I saw in the brochure, but I think that having abs would be nice. They'd use a mold of my midsection as a tray for making ice cubes!