Foreign Tongues: Penetrating... the language barrier

Earlier in the week, I got cruised by a very snacky Latin boy. I see him all the time when I'm on my way to work, and this time he got up the courage to cross the street and chat me up. Any man who is brave enough to risk being hit by a car is okay in my book! Then he started talking to me in Spanish and I had no idea what he was saying. He, like so many other people, assumed that I spoke Spanish.

When two gay boys are hot for each other, they won't let a small thing like a language barrier keep them from having it off. After several attempts to get our messages across to one another, we tried charades. That didn't work, and I was getting a little upset, so I just did the "I'm late for work" gesture by pointing to my imaginary wrist watch and he understood.

How far would you go to sleep with an extremely hot young man who doesn't speak a lick of English? You can either take the time to learn the language or get a translator to follow you around. It would be just like that episode of Friends where Phoebe was dating Sergei the diplomat, but hotter. Your translator has to be someone you trust, because he's likely to steal your non-English speaking dude away from you without your knowledge. Imagine being in a three way with your dude and your treacherous translator. You say "that feels so good!" and the translator tells the dude "is it in yet? I can't feel a thing!"

There needs to be a course or seminar for guys like me who want to have sex with men in other countries, but don't want to bother with the hassle of learning a bunch of different languages. The instructor would teach essential phrases in various languages and the sexual gestures that go with them. Here are a few choice phrases that every guy should have prepared in other languages:

1. Are you a top or bottom?
2. Are you a cop?
3. I am trained as a ninja, so don't even think of trying to rob me.
4. Do you spit or swallow?
5. Follow me to my hotel.
6. Does your friend want to join us?
7. Of course there are no hidden cameras in my hotel room!
8. I've never done this before! (accompanied with a naive batting of the eyelashes)
9. You can spank harder than that, can't you?
10. Ok, get out now.

At the conclusion of the course, we'd all get packets that include helpful maps of various cities with flag marks that show places to find the cutest guys. The maps will have blue marks for bars, yellow marks for bath houses, and green marks for forest preserves and other wooded areas. A list of worldwide ages of consent will be included as an added bonus for all of the chicken hawks who want to scam on the young boys of Burkina Faso, but can never remember when they become legal (psst... it's age 13).

Note: I would advise against the young foreign boys because they'd follow you around forever. Go with someone who's at least old enough to buy more than one ticket to an R rated movie in the USA. There's a little saying I made up that goes: If he's got laugh lines, the sex will be fine. If he's got dimples, it'll never be simple.