Linebacker Barbie

As I sat in bed on Saturday, watching the New Year's Eve festivities, I was amazed at how many were in the streets of New York. Mariah Carey performed, and Ryan Seacrest filled in for Dick Clark... who I think was kissing what looked to be a very made up Ivana Trump. I could have just had one too many NyQuil cocktails. Everyone seemed to be having a good time, and they were dancing and laughing and kissing each other in the streets.

Then they switched over to the Central Time Zone New Year's Eve countdown.... SNOOOOOOZE! It was hosted by Janet Davies and Mark Giangreco, two of the least energetic people on Chicago television. They kept saying the words "fun" and "rockin," because maybe they heard somewhere that things will actually turn out that way if you say it enough times. It didn't stop there. They had various people reporting from various "Chicago Hot Spots." Everyone they interviewed was drunk and from the suburbs. They even showed a restaurant that was "absolutely jumping!" which meant everyone was seated at their tables eating under the poorly illuminated chandeliers.

The big moment came when Mark Giangreco, a sports anchor for channel 7, asked if anyone saw Mariah Carey at Times Square. He referred to her as "Linebacker Barbie." How the fuck are you going to make fun of someone like that if you're not a sassy gay man or Mariah's arch nemesis? This comment came completely out of left field (I thought I'd insert a sports reference for the jerk) and came as a shock to Janet Davies, who looked like Mike Meyers after hearing Kanye West's comment on live television. Just how many number one singles has Mark Giangreco released in his life? It seems like he needs to compensate for his small genitals by making huge shocking comments about people he's never met. Mariah Carey can make his ears explode just by singing a particular note. Have you ever heard her sing "Emotions?" That bitch can wail! Don't mess with someone who appeared on VH1's Divas Live.