Where's Heloise when you need her?

I was watching the Fine Living network this weekend and they aired some short little commercials with quick tips for the holidays. They were more like tips for bored women and gay men on how to be pretentious. I found it disgusting. The first one I saw was a tip on how to avoid holiday crowds at the stores. The woman was sitting by a fireplace with a huge Christmas tree in the background and she was like: “Go during the dinner hours and the stores are virtually empty! Weekend dinnertime is the best time to go because everyone gets together to have dinner on the weekends! What exactly does she consider dinner hours? Since when has any store been 'virtually empty' from November 25 - December 24?

The next holiday tip was about sprucing up drab gifts by presenting them beautifully. They focused on tickets. She actually said: "No one likes to receive ugly tickets. Try putting them in a basket full of bath oils and mineral salts." The camera cut to two tickets to Mel Brooks' "The Producers" being put into a giant basket, surrounded by bath products and a gigantic ribbon. Let's go back to what she said... UGLY TICKETS? What the hell does an ugly ticket look like? Is it oily and full of acne? And if you're going to give such a great gift like tickets to "The Producers," wouldn't you want that to be the focus of the gift? I'd be too distracted with the bath products and the big ribbon.

I can't believe that the Fine Living network actually airs lame advice like that. I can't believe I was watching the Fine Living network. I can give stupid advice to people also. Picture me on Logo, the gay network, giving advice on how to snag a man at the gym:

"Always remember to stretch your shoulders. It helps to reduce injury and it also shows the cute guy across the room that you'd have no problem performing the "reach-around" when you're nailing him doggy style!"