Mean Girls Who Puke... or Confessions of a Teenage Coke Fiend

Lindsay Lohan told Vanity Fair magazine that she used drugs and was bulimic. DUH! REALLY!?!? Apparently, she also thinks that everyone has lost their powers of deductive reasoning and spends their time in the happy land of Obliviousness. We know drug use and eating disorders when we see them, Lohan! And put on some underwear, will ya?

She appeared on Saturday Night Live looking like the bride of Skeletor and I had to use all of my will power to keep from vomiting. Ah! I guess it's contagious... THANKS, LOHAN! Perhaps I'm being too hard on her. Ha ha. Hard on. Anyway, I used to have a drug problem and I know how difficult it can be to get back on the right track. Fortunately, I've prepared a list of things for Lindsay to remember whenever she thinks of using drugs:

1. The more money you spend on drugs, the less money you have to spend on shoes. Let's face it - people need shoes. We can't just go around walking barefoot. There's broken glass, rocks, and dirty coins laying on the ground. You need shoes!

2. Continued drug use results in rapid weight loss and increased chances of being blown away during a tropical storm or hurricane. A lot of popular vacation spots are hotspots for natural disasters and wouldn't it be embarrassing to be the only celebrity in the world who was light enough to be blown away by a category 4?

3. You're five times more likely to have sex with someone to whom you'd normally never give the time of day. No amount of therapy would ever help if you ever woke up next to Carrot Top.

4. Whitney Houston uses drugs. Sure she's got a bunch of Grammys, but look who she's married to. Blargh!