Resolve this! ::grabs crotch::

My New Year's resolution for 2005 was to have more fun. If that isn't a bullshit resolution that every loser in the world hasn't pledged, then I don't know what is. It's such a broad, ambiguous thing that is difficult to define. That's why I've set small term goals this year. Here they are:

1. Learn how to swim - I was walking across the Chicago River and I realized that I would be majorly screwed if I accidentally fell in... first by the numerous toxins and human waste (Thank you very much, Dave Matthews Band!) and then by the fact that I wouldn't be able to swim.

2. Do the splits - Flexibility in the hip joints instantly boosts you to new heights when practicing yoga. It's also great for bottoms who want to impress their tops.

3. Play "Rock Lobster" by the B52s on the guitar - I dare you to listen to this song without doing a crazy dance or nodding along with the beat.

4. Get better window treatments for my apartment - I swear people can see me naked through the slits in my blinds. I could probably put clothes on when I'm at home, but I find clothes very constricting.

5. Buy a Tivo - I have a VCR that's older than my love for onions. I just hate missing my soaps and I've missed a lot of great shows this season, including a lot of episodes of Saturday Night Live. If Tina Fey could reach through the television, she would slap me for missing it.

6. Take a weekend trip once every three months - Though I hate to fly, travel prices are actually pretty low these days. It allows me to be a ho in another city without the hassle of building a reputation. Ah, promiscuity!

7. Visit Dollywood - It's homespun fun! I hear that there are boobs everywhere, whatever that means! Either there are likenesses of Dolly's massive breasts, or incompetent people. I'd have fun no matter what was there because Dolly is fantastic!

I figure that I'll have fun as a result of these things no matter what. They're different, they're quirky, and if I will look like a complete dunderhead if I fuck up on any one of them.