Straighten Up and Fly Right... at what cost!?!?

I know a lot of people who always need to "straighten up" their homes whenever they have a relative visiting. Straightening up is the term that gay people use whenever they need to de-gay their living space. You've all seen one of your gay friends in panic mode, trying to get rid of all the gay pride flags and back issues of Inches magazine they've got laying around because his mother is coming over in an hour.

Taking all of the gay out of a gay person's home is like taking all of the curse words out Sarah Silverman's stand-up act. It needs to be there or else it won't be what it truly is. Does that make sense? Take me, for example:

I've got my rainbow pride beads hanging in the kitchen, right next to a refrigerator full of clippings of Jake Gyllenhaal. I have pictures of my friends scattered all over the place, some with me licking or pinching nipples. When you step into my bathroom, you are greeted by all of my favorite porn stars and the cocks that made them famous. If you're lucky, I will have left a variety of sex toys on display. People who use my computer have to navigate through countless gigabytes of gay porn. You really can't swing your dick in my apartment without hitting something gay, and that's just the way I like it! I like cocks, I like to look at pictures of cocks, and anyone who has a problem with that can kiss my cock-devouring ass.

Hiding all of the things that would make people think that you are gay only proves that you haven't accepted your homosexuality, and that's just stupid. It's not like you're hiding the corpses of all of the men you've murdered during one of your Ambien amnesia episodes. I know some guys who hide pictures of their male friends and replace them with pictures of women. How would you feel if your picture got replaced with someone who has to sit down to pee? I'd be pretty darn upset.

So please don't categorize yourself with the rest of the proud gay people if you have to "straighten up" in order to have company come over to your apartment. It's very insulting to me if you hound me to buy you an "I love dicks" mug and you end up hiding it from your mother when she comes to visit.