Do you mind?!?!

People just can't keep to themselves anymore. You can't read a newspaper or magazine on the train without some jerk looking over your shoulder and reading it. You be in a car accident without people gawking at you as they slowly drive past the scene. Try checking your cell phone when it rings without one of your friends asking: "Who's that?" and looking to see who's on your caller ID. There's just no privacy anymore because people are so fucking nosy.

I ran the LaSalle Bank Shamrock Shuffle yesterday, fighting the other 29,999 participants for a decent camera shot to send to my high school reunion committee. After the race, participants are treated to yummy foods such as bananas, cookies, cheese crackers, and bagels. I decided to grab a cardboard box and stock up on the vittles. Holding a box is also a good way to keep your hands busy if you're a chronic knuckle-cracker.

As I stood amidst a crowd of tens of thousands of participants and spectators, I noticed that a lot of people were extremely curious as to what was inside my box. "A lot" turned into "quite a lot," then that quickly turned into "every damned person who passed." I started to feel a little violated, and that's pretty hard to do, considering how many men I've had sex with in my lifetime. They just kept coming close to me as they passed and darting their eyes into my vulnerable little stash of food in the cardboard box.

A part of me wanted to lash out at peoples' blatant nosiness, but another part of me wanted to keep it quiet. That same part just happened to be my naughty side and it also wanted to cut a hole in the box so I can slip my cock through it. It would be just like the SNL skit with Justin Timberlake singing about his cock in a box, except mine would look cuter and stink less.

When did people get so nosy? What happened to just keeping your eyes forward and minding your own damned business? I just don't see what's so fascinating about a sweaty Asian guy holding a box of bananas and cookies. Maybe they WERE hoping for some cock in a box... I don't know. What I do know is that nothing is sacred anymore. Apparently, if you step outside your home, you are required to display every aspect of your personal space to anyone who comes near you. You must sit still while they stare at you and wonder why you're doing whatever the hell it is that you are doing.

That's what's happening in America, and that's all the more reason why we need to combine charm and etiquette classes and boot camps and force random people to go to them. Or we could put our cocks in boxes and stand in a crowd. You decide.