Lavatory Lamentation

Anyone who complains about women not getting treated as equally as men have obviously never seen the difference between a men's and women's restroom at a movie theater.

Ask any random stranger and they'll tell you that I've been in a lot of public restrooms in my life. Restrooms in movie theatres, department stores, restaurants, bus stations, and bath houses all have a similar layout. There are three or four stalls with no toilet paper, three urinals that don't flush, two sinks, and one working soap dispenser (if you're lucky). There's not a lot of space to stand if you're waiting to use a toilet or urinal, and you can forget about trying to give someone a hand job because you'd end up bruising your arm on the partition from all the back and forth action... at least, I think that's what would happen. I don't really know. Really. Scout's honor.

And yes, I've seen the inside of a woman's restroom. I once worked at a movie theatre, and I had to clean up after two women fought each other and broke one of the mirrors. Classy, huh? I wasn't prepared for what I'd see in there. I always thought that all restrooms were alike, but I was so very wrong! There was a lounge area with really nice curved sofas, little tables to set things on, and full-length mirrors as far as the eye could see. The walls had really nice sconces with actual light bulbs in them. There were vases with fresh flowers in them, lotion dispensers at the sinks, and facial tissue and breath mints right next to the paper towel dispensers. There had to have been at least thirty five stalls, each with enough room to do an Irish jig and some yoga.

I think that it's really unfair to design buildings in this manner. That's why I think that all men's restrooms should be renovated to cater to the taste of men who appreciate the finer things when it comes time to take a leak.

• Is it too much to ask to watch a plasma screen while I'm having a piss? I'm always stuck having to refrain from looking down at the cock of the gross man in the urinal next to me. It could be beer advertisements or CNN for all I care. If I have to glance down and catch a glimpse of one more flaccid uncut penis poking out of a thicket of pubic hair that hasn't seen a razor in ten years, I'm going to puke.
• There will be absolutely NO fluorescent lighting in my ideal public restroom. The fixtures should be equipped with Reveal bulbs or black light bulbs.
  
• How about some lotion dispensers? Chicago gets very dry in the winter, and a lot of us suffer from cracked palms. Think about that the next time you ask me for a hand job!
• I like the idea of having a lounge area that has some strategically placed mirrors for me to check out guys while they're at the urinals. It would save a lot of time if I could select the guy I'm going to seduce if I could see if he trims or not.
  
• A two-way mirror that looks into the lobby is a must! It would be big enough for the gays to check out their asses and to point out men in the common area who cry when they ejaculate so other men won't be subjected to such torture.

So the next time you're trying to make your way through a crowded restroom with toilet paper on the floor, think of how great the women have it. Then think of how great we COULD be having it. My restroom wish list isn't all that unreasonable. I wanted to have built-in antibacterial knee pads put in front of all the toilets added to the list, but I have to think about EVERYONE'S needs and not just my own.