Tips for whores who love the outdoors

News travels fast in the gay community, and I just heard a tasty little piece of gossip about someone I know. I won't mention his name, but a reliable source told me that his car was seen driving up and down "The Park." That's the all-inclusive term that we use to describe any outdoorsy cruising spots where men go to have anonymous sex with strangers.

It would be tacky of me to use the blog as a way to tell peoples' nasty naughty business in the bushes with dirty men who are probably married and on the down low. I'm not going to do that. What I am going to do is provide helpful tips to keep you all safe during your raunchy encounters behind your SUVs late at night when you think that no one is watching!

1. Always leave a note in your apartment before you go on your manhunt - Make it easy for the police when you turn up missing. A simple little note with your intended destination will help the search party immensely.

2. Bring protection - because you know the loser you'll meet won't have any.

3. Never take off your pants - Don't you hate it when the trick runs off with your favorite pair of jeans? Avoid the awkwardness of having to explain to the police why you're running home with nothing covering your family jewels! Always keep your pants down to your ankles. This also helps when you have to make a quick getaway.

4. Mind the critters - remember, humans are the intruders in the wild. Having sex on the ground? Be careful of those chiggers! Sex against a tree? Fire ants! I once got devoured by mosquitoes while I was splayed out spread eagle on the hood of some guy's Jeep and I wish I had brought my mosquito repellent!

5. Weed out the fuzz - public lewdness is a crime (I think), and undercover cops just love to catch pervs in the act. A simple way to test whether or not your latest john is a copper is to slyly challenge him to a race around the park or woods. Tell him that running gets your sexual energy up and allows you cum gallons. If you can outrun him, then he's a cop. Everyone knows that cops can't run.

6. Keep it short - this is a sexual encounter, not a honeymoon. Every minute you spend outside is critical, and you don't want to get caught by the police or private investigator that is following you because your boyfriend hired him after finding phone numbers in your jacket pocket.

Scoff if you will, but I've done extensive research on this subject! I've even participated in a few field studies, if you catch my drift!