Way to go, freakshow!

I've been searching frantically for certain pieces for my Halloween costume and I hit a few snafoos recently. I've had to call around at various hat stores in order to find one that was the right color and size. When I called one of the hat stores here in Chicago to ask if they carried one in my size, here's what the woman said:

"Seven and five-eighths? Ha ha, we don't carry anything THAT huge. Sorry!"

A hat size of 7 5/8 means that my head is a little over 24 inches around. Not only do I have disproportionate feet and hands in relationship to my height, but now I've got an enormous honkin' noggin! I'm starting to think that I'll eventually look like Roger, the alien from American Dad. I can have my own brand of porn where I'm having a three way with conjoined twins. It'll be the Siamese Twins and Alien Boy in Falcon's "Freakshow" brand of adult videos, with special appearance by the bearded lady.

I kind of knew that I was weirdly shaped as I was growing up. I remember trying to sneak through iron fences and failing miserably because my head wouldn't fit between the bars. In the first grade, we had to pose for silhouette pictures and everyone laughed at me because mine came out bigger than everyone else's silhouettes. I just assumed that I was standing closer to the light source and that made my head look big.

My mother always told me that I had a big head, but I thought she was referring to my ego. UGH! Now I have to contend with the fact that my mother was right about something. Grr!

What's the evolutionary advantage of having a large head? If the science fiction movies are correct, then I'm going to be able to move objects with my mind and manipulate the atomic structure of various objects in nature. I'll be sure to call Ted Danson and Helen Hunt so we can join forces once the next stage of evolution takes effect.