The Glory Holy Grail

One of the greatest accomplishments in a gay man's life isn't winning The Amazing Race. It isn't going to a high school reunion and looking fucking amazingly better than everyone who made fun of him for being weird when he was in the 10th grade. It's not becoming an American Idol runner up and being interviewed by Diane Sawyer. One of the greatest triumphs for a gay man is converting a straight man.

It's a fantasy for millions of gay men across the country. We hang out with our straight buds and we do the things that interest them in hopes that we'd catch them when they're drunk so we can make out with them. We are the listening ear when they are sick of their girlfriends nagging them about cleaning the garage. We pretend to like buffalo wings and dark ale at a titty bar when we're only interested in what moisturizer the waitresses are using.

Why are so many queens into the straight men? A lot of people (psych majors) will tell you that it's only because of the human need to want things that are just beyond our reach. The lure is the seemingly impassable hurdle that separates our mouths from their cocks. This has some truth to it, but I think that straight men are just more fun in the sack. They've got that look in their eyes like they're 5% ashamed of what they're doing and 95% intent on giving you the pounding of your life.

I used to work with a girl in Naperville and we affectionately referred to her as "The Gift." It seems that all of the men she has seriously dated have turned gay. So far, she has converted three guys who are extremely snackable. How does she do it? Does she have a magic vagina that changes straight to gay? Is she truly 'cursed' (blessed, in my opinion), or does she have an uncanny ability to see the latent gayness in a guy? That's all a bunch of hooey. I think she's just lucky.

Since kidnapping her, locking her in a white room, and studying her DNA using intrusive procedures is both morally and legally objectionable, I'll list a few tips on how to snag that special straight man:

1. The straight guy has to know that you're gay - It's just easier that way, trust me. The whole 'kindred spirit in the closet' thing is just the biggest pandora's box in existence. Don't even think about pretending to be straight to snag a guy.

2. You have to be comfortable with your own sexuality - In many of my conversions, the 'straight' man is impressed by how comfortable I am being gay because he wants that for himself. They want to know that they'd be in good hands if they were to come out. Would you ask Tara Reid for advice on how not to be a drunken slutbag in Ibiza?

3. Tequila is your best friend - Ah, the magic elixir! Tequila will get anyone fucked up in record time. Don't get drunker than the guy, though. I do this great trick where I wait for the guy to drink his, then I pour mine in a nearby glass. A lot of people close their eyes when they take shots, so it's the perfect opportunity to be sneaky! Whenever I choose the drunk guy route, tequila has worked every time.
4. Brag about how well you give head - For me, it's not really bragging. I'm just being honest. No, seriously! You think I'm joking? Ha ha! Straight guys love good head, so whip out that cucumber and work on getting rid of that pesky gag reflex.

5. Go straight for the ass hole - Ever hear the saying "the straighter they are, the wider their legs spread?" It's true, honey! Let's assume that you've got their pants off... congratulations, by the way. Straight men will do everything in their power to keep you from putting anything near their ass holes because they know that it's the ultimate pleasure zone. If you're lucky enough to slip a wet finger or even your tongue up there, you'll see how fast his back arches as he sings a high note that rivals Mariah Carey.

WARNING! Only attempt number five unless you want the straight man to follow you around and fall in love with you. Once you pet that chocolate starfish, there's no turning back.

As homosexuality gradually becomes accepted in mainstream society, the lines between straight and gay become somewhat blurred. Is a straight man who regularly receives mind-blowing head from a certain Chicago blogger considered gay? According to him, no. However these supposedly straight men choose to classify themselves, it's all good for the gay boys who love the straight man.