Single Bells

I read an article about "Holiday Fun For Singles" and it just seemed so ridiculous that I simply had to read it. The beginning of the article explained how difficult the holiday season can be if you are single. Then it listed five ways to make ensure your happiness during the lonely nights while everyone is living it up with their lovers (or some rent boy that they bought for the weekend).

At first I thought it was going to be a fun little alternative article, but every one of the five ideas ended up being a way to meet someone and end up in a relationship. What kind of bullshit is that? Here are some snippets from that stupid article:

1. Participate in Lots of Holiday Gatherings Who knows? You may meet Mr. or Ms. Right at that next party. Or you may meet someone who knows someone who is right for you.

2. Volunteer Many people volunteer during the holidays, especially very good-hearted, loving people -- the kind of people with whom you want to be in a relationship!

3. Worship Religion and spirituality can be uplifting and satisfying for your soul. Thus, the holidays are the perfect time to rejoin or revisit your place of worship. Plus, you'll find that lots of other people are making the same choice this season!

If you have trouble meeting your fellow worshipers, take on a volunteer role. Become a greeter, volunteer on a holiday committee, or take on some other role that fits your personality and interests. Being in a role with a job to do makes it easier to strike up conversation with people -- and possibly find romance!

4. Participate at Work Are there holiday events going on at your work? If so, participate!
If not, lead a group of people in organizing some activities. Create opportunities to socialize with as many of your co-workers as possible, then ask each of them to bring friends to the events.

5. Send Out a Holiday Letter Mail a letter about your life to your friends and family, and maybe even to work clients. Tell them about significant events and milestones in your year -- and tell them you are single and looking!
Describe your ideal mate and include your picture. Who knows what the postman will bring back?

The article makes it seem as if single people are incomplete and so pathetic that they have to resort to trickery and duplicity to snag a man in order to fulfill that stupid idea that coupling equals holiday happiness. "Hi, I'm here to volunteer at this soup kitchen because I'm such a good Samaritan. Does that man over there have a boyfriend?"

In response to this poorly written attempt at making singles feel like shit, I have come up with a few tips of my own to ensure holiday happiness for the singles out there. Here are a few of them:

1. Go to a movie - Movie theatres are one of the few places that are open on major holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas. When you go alone, it's easier to find a seat. Don't you hate having to find two seats together? What's the point in going to a movie with people if you're only going to be faced in one direction for two hours? There is the possibility of having sex in public, but all the psych majors will be the first to tell you that your exhibitionism is only a cry for help.

2. Buy something nice for yourself - No pesky boyfriend in your life means more money to spend on yourself. Now is the time to really go wild! I recommend lube and porn. You'll see why.

3. Attend holiday parties and talk about anything you want, no matter how boring you might think it is - All of the couples will hang on your every word like you're singing a siren's song because they're so sick of hearing the same old holiday music and the stories about how so and so's kid did the cutest thing yesterday. YAWN! I once had a group of couples entranced by my story about how I choked on a cheez it.

Hopefully, your sex drive will have been quenched momentarily by all the masturbating you've been doing because of all the lube and porn you bought for yourself so you don't need to worry about trying to hook up with anyone... unless you've got a sex drive like mine, where you get an erection just being within fifty feet of anyone with a penis and five minutes of free time.

What I want people to understand is that you don't need to follow tips from an article that reeks of right-winginess and old-fashioned values that I'd rather spit on than acknowledge. Have fun this holiday season, and don't let anyone tell you that you need a man or woman by your side to be complete. If you do have a boyfriend or girlfriend, then that's cool too. Just don't sit next to me at a party unless you want your boyfriend to be seduced by me and my patented soap opera gaze!