Prince of Wails

Soap opera actors have to be able to portray a wide variety of emotions such as anger, fear, and sadness. I know that everyone thinks that soaps are hokey, but some of the actors make the scenes believable when they can pull off the facial expressions and the emotional dialogue. I'm very critical of people who can't naturally cry in a scene.

Alexa Havins, who plays Babe Chandler on All My Children is a master of the cry-0n-cue. She can start bawling just by talking about how she lost her favorite teddy bear as a little girl. Sometimes you can play an All My Children drinking game where you take a drink whenever it looks like Babe is about to cry, but you should really check yourself into rehab if you drink that early in the day (AMC airs at 12 P.M.).

Think of how wonderful it would be to have the ability to turn on the waterworks whenever it suits your fancy! You can pretend to be ultra sensitive when watching a movie with someone you are trying to impress. Everyone knows that men who are sensitive in public are super sex hounds in private! I once dated a guy in Houston who cried when he saw that someone had run over a dog and we ended up having hours of rough mansex in his living room. I'm just glad that he didn't cry after he was finished.

For all of you treacherous queens out there, the ability to cry can give you an unfair advantage over an unsuspecting victim. Let's assume that you were an agent of G.U.L.P. and your mission was to become the secret sexual consort of some important member of parliament in order to get information out of him and the guy catches you trying to break into his super secret wall safe. What do you do? First you tell him that you were sleepwalking and continue to feign ignorance of the situation as you weep uncontrollably because you're supposedly ashamed of your sleep disorder. Then when he comes close to you to console you and possibly use your tears as lube, you drop kick him and put him in a choke hold until he tells you the combination to the safe.

Sadly, neither of these scenarios would never work for me in the real world. I'd only practice the cry-on-cue if I were interested in becoming a serious actor, and that won't be happening any time soon because I couldn't remember lines if my life depended on it. How would you feel next to a grown man who cries all the time, anyway? Two words: MAMA'S BOY!