Your feet's too big

We all have parts of our bodies that we don’t like. Every time you pass by a reflective surface, your eyes dart to that one problem area of your body that you wish was different. Some guys suck in their potbelly. Some women arch their back to make their tits pop out further. I obsess over my enormous feet.

The distance from the edge of my heel to the tip of my second toe is 10.5 inches. Shoe sizes vary from brand to brand, so it’s hard to say what size shoe I wear. I’ve worn shoes as big as 11 and small as 8. That’s not so bad for someone at least six feet tall, but I’m 5’8” tall. That’s weird. What’s weirder is that I have to measure to my second toe because it’s longer than my big toe. I feel like a circus freak sometimes and I can’t look at them.

My feet are also very wide and it looks extremely freakish. Imagine Kevin Kostner’s feet in Waterworld. Then imagine his flipper feet in a pair of flip flops. I bought a pair of flip flops last week and after I found the one pair that actually fit the length of my foot, I was so excited that I wore them home to break them in. I was distressed to find out that the sides of my feet poured out over the edges of the flip flops so it looked like they were too small for my humongous flipper feet. So now whenever I wear them, I have to crunch the sides of my feet in so they’ll fit inside the width of the flip flop. How sad am I?

The constant crunching has lead to various pains and it only added on to the list of injuries I’ve had because of my stupid feet. One particular problem that I’ve had for years is my fallen arches. Yes, I have flat feet and it only enhances the ‘flipper’ façade I’ve got going on. Sometimes when I run, every step feels like I’m walking on poisoned needles.

In situations like these, one can only make the best of what one is given. I take really good care of my feet, even though they’re huge. I moisturize and groom so they look and feel great. I don’t feel ashamed in my yoga class because I have nice looking feet. The wideness of my feet also helps me to balance when I do certain poses. Perhaps it’s some de-evolution. I must be descended from tree monkeys that could open coconuts using their feet.

There’s not a lot I can do when I pass a reflective surface and see my feet. It’s not like I can hide them. The best I can do is make fun jokes about the myth of people with big feet and I get a few laughs out of that. Sometimes I’m lucky enough to get a few offers from people who try to disprove the myth. See? Everyone wins when someone with bozo feet is around.