Faster than a speeding bullet, more fabulous than a pair of Prada loafers

I caught a little glimpse of the new show on the Sci-fi channel, "Who Wants to be a Superhero?" and all of my childhood fantasies came rushing back to me like a million locusts swarming to a farmer's crops. The people on the show were dressed up as superheroes and I got so jealous seeing that. A friend of mine made a comment recently about my fascination with capes and golden lassos. She said "oh another gay boy who wishes he could fly. What is it with queers and comic books?"

There's been a lot of debate recently about why gay people really identify with comic book heroes like Superman or the X-Men. Every stupid expert agrees that it's because they're hiding from society and they have to keep this huge secret because the world is very intolerant, blah blah blah. I don't believe that shit for one minute.

The real reason why us gay folks enjoy a good superhero is because they've got cool powers. We want the powers! Think of all the bullshit we have to deal with every day. Who wouldn't enjoy the opportunity to slam a homophobic cab driver into a brick wall with one hand after he called you a sissy fag boy? Super powers would ensure that nobody would fuck with us anymore. And don't even get me started on the outfits! Skin tight bodysuits and a long flowing cape? Yes, please!

Imagine how wonderful the world would be if gay people had super powers! People talk a lot of shit when they say that they'd make the world a better place, but gay people would really make it a better place. Condos would go up faster if you hired a superhero contractor. They'd pour the foundation, do the wiring, and would still have time left over to make a mean cosmo for the housewarming party the next day.