Primal

This week I learned that even through years of opening doors for people, keeping my elbows off of the table, covering my mouth when I yawn, and never interrupting people when they're speaking, I still am not completely civilized.

I was out running along the lake a few days ago and it was still wet from the previous night's rain. There's an area on the running trail where the paved road comes really close, and it had been filled with a lot of water. As I neared the bend, a woman in a Lexus came up really fast and she splashed dirty water all over me. She wasn't paying attention because she was talking on her cell phone.

It happened in slow motion, as most traumatic things do. I tried to say every curse word in my vocabulary at the same time, but it only came out as a loud grunt. As soon as I made sure that there were no foreign objects in my eyes and that my hair wasn't messed up, I made a beeline for the Lexus. She wasn't driving very fast, so I was able to hit the back window with my palm. That's when she panicked and sped away and I was left behind, panting and grunting as the sweat dripped down my dirty face.

When I got home, I went straight for the refrigerator and opened up some leftovers from the night before. I didn't bother with utensils because I was so hungry. I think it took me fifteen seconds to ingest a bowl of cold gumbo. I wiped my mouth with my hand and I finally realized that I was a savage.

It's kind of like that movie "Walk Like a Man," where Howie Mandel's character was raised by wolves and his brother hires an expert to educate him in the ways of the civilized man. He may have been human on the outside, but he darted off in a howl as soon as he saw a fire truck. It makes me wonder if we should even bother with table manners or grooming. Inside all of us, there's some ferocity and bestiality that is just waiting to get out. Is it wise to suppress it?

I've decided that the balance between man and beast is the best thing I can do in this type of society. I replace certain words in my vocabulary with noises and grunts. That may not fly very well, but I'll just have to play that one by ear. Another safe place I can let my inner best roam is in the bedroom. There's nothing wilder than red hot sweaty animal sex. At least I can blame the howling and biting on a latent primeval fetish.