Paranoid Archaeology

I looked into my freezer last night in hopes of finding something to eat, and immediately became disenthralled when I looked at what was actually in there. The exact contents of my freezer are: batteries, Crown Royal whiskey, ice, 2 lean cuisine entrees, and poppers.

If you know me well enough, then you'd understand how neurotic I can get sometimes. I began to panic because... hey, what if something really bad happened to the earth like that episode of Benson where Haley's comet came by and everyone on earth turned into crystallized dust piles. What if people from another planet came to study our world to see what the people were like? They'd go into my apartment and see my freezer and they'd go: hey this guy must be a single gay boy who likes to ho it up at the bars.

Then they'd look at my computer and find 89 of the 120 gigabytes of space devoted to nothing but porn. I shudder to think what they'd think when they find the selection of different lubes and massage oils in my bedside drawer. Yeesh!

Now I'm going around trying to find tasteful things to put in my apartment to balance out the whore element. So far I've come up with antique weapons, a nice set of nesting tables, and a miniature sculpture of one of the warriors from the tomb of Qin Shi Huangdi (first emperor of China). Hopefully, that will let the aliens know that not everyone in the world spends 20% of their time having sex or drinking.