Nice guys finish last, while selfish guys have a blast

Some people out there think that I'm selfish. Boo! Nothing can be further from the truth! I really hate how much negativity is associated with the word 'selfish,' and I would like to set the record straight today.

I used to be a big pushover when I was younger. The self esteem level wasn't as high then as it is now, and I felt that it was my obligation to be as accommodating to others as I could possibly be. If I got the wrong order at a restaurant, I'd eat it because I didn't want to trouble the staff by asking for what I originally ordered. When receiving gentlemen callers, I would always buy the condoms and make sure that the other guy's needs were fulfilled because I wanted HIM to be happy. I always gave everyone a piece of myself and I often found that nothing was left for me at the end of the day. Little did I know that my days of being the world's doormat would soon be numbered.

It happened about six years ago when I was living in Houston. I was so happy to be able to see my friend and her fiance finally tie the knot. "Meeka" had been going on about it for months, and I was always there to assure her that things would be smooth and effortless on the big day. When it finally arrived, she frantically called me about two hours before she was to walk down the aisle. The caterer's car broke down and she needed someone with a truck to bring the food to the reception hall.

I quickly made my way to the caterer, all the while wondering why I was the only one of her friends who owned a truck, and was dismayed to learn that the reception hall was 20 miles in the opposite direction. When I got to the reception hall, I quickly began unloading the food until one of the employees came up to me and asked me to move my truck to the back of the building where all the other "help" parked. It was one of the hottest days of the year and I had no time to argue, so I did what they told me.

After depositing the last tray of sliced fruit, the reception hall manager pulled me aside and asked me to set up the dessert table. She told me that "Meeka" told her that I agreed to help set up the reception, which I never did. I didn't argue because I already knew that I wasn't going to make it to the ceremony in time. I proceeded to assemble these really tacky 'strawberry trees' by affixing strawberries onto foam cones with toothpicks.

It wouldn't have been that bad, except for the fact that I was assigned a partner who thought I was some sort of Latin lover sent to her by God. Lavonne, an 82 year old widowed grandmother, kept making passes at me. She'd eat the strawberries very sensually while undressing me with her cataract-stricken eyes. She'd fan herself with her old lady fan and say "it's very hot today... perfect LOVEMAKING weather."

When "Meeka" came into the reception hall, she walked right past me and never thanked me for helping with the food or the strawberry trees. I later found that my name card was nowhere to be found, so I didn't have a place at any of the tables. "Meeka" finally did come up to me, but it was only to ask if I got all the food because it didn't look like all the food she paid for.

That was my cue to leave the party, but not before taking the two strawberry trees that I painstakingly made in the Texas heat. I am no longer friends with "Meeka." Now whenever I hear that yet another one of my friends is getting married, I never volunteer to be in the ceremony or help out afterward. I just go in, throw my rice, roll my eyes, drop my Brita off at the gift table, and make for the door. It's nothing personal. I just know better than to get suckered into another wedding drama.

So whenever someone calls me selfish, I think back to that hundred degree day in Houston. I think back to my brand new dress shirt, soiled with armpit sweat and strawberry seeds. I think back to the sheer terror of fighting off the advances of an alarmingly sex-starved octogenarian. I think back to all the times that I helped "Meeka" through her pre-wedding jitters, only to have her peddle me as her pack mule and get mistaken for the help at the reception hall. That was the straw that broke the camel's back. The help? Come on!

People who accuse others of being selfish are only hurt because someone in the world isn't doing something for THEM. They want people to genuflect and make sure that they're nurtured and that their own personal needs are looked after. Just go tell them to get over themselves and remind them about my strawberry trees.