The Holiday Eyesore

Everyone is so in love with the phrase "anything is possible," but have they ever truly thought it through? Is it possible to go on a plane ride without some bebe kid kicking your seat? Nope. Is it possible to look away when a really large man bends over to pick up a quarter and he shows his hairy coin slot? Nope! Can you drive through a neighborhood before Christmas and see a tastefully decorated yard? I don't think so!

Growing up in my neighborhood, there was a house on the corner street that always had tacky decorations for Christmas. I remember one year when they put a white flannel sheet all over their grass to simulate snow and Snoopy and Woodstock sitting in a power wheels jeep that circled the lawn while "Jingle Bell Rock" played on a nearby boombox. It hurt my eyes to see all of the tacky decorations, and I blame that for my current astigmatism.

This year I took a stroll through the Lakewood Balmoral neighborhood, and was shocked to see things like the nativity scene made out of twigs, a giant wooden snow man with half burned-out lights attached to it, and icicle lights. Ugh, icicle lights. You know that half of the people who put the freakin lights up won't take them down until July.

It's even worse in Rosemont. The village of Rosemont can support life on Mars for a decade with all the power they use to light their yards and houses during the holidays. You can see it from space.

People tell me: "Richie, you're just being a grinch! Holiday decorations are festive!" Oooh, wee! Don't you think it's ridiculous to have to install backup hooks on your door in order to support the weight of your enormous wreath? That's a little over-the-top. I went to someone's house and I could have sworn that there was a community of squirrels living in the gigantic wreath on that door. I was expecting them to pop out and forage the surrounding area for provisions.

There's a fine line between holiday festive and unholy monstrosity. If people would spend half as much time going to the gym or volunteering as they would decorating their houses (tastelessly, I might add), then the world would be a much nicer place. There'd also be more men who could keep up with me in the sack. See? It all comes back to me.