Calgon, Take Me Away!

Do you ever have friends who have other friends who are just so difficult to be around? You never want to call them out on how stupid they act because you don't want to look like a lunatic in front of your first friend. I always try to respect the bonds of friendship, no matter how fucked up they appear to be.

One such person is Randy. Every time I encounter Randy, he just won't shut the fuck up about himself. He's the kind of person who steers every conversation in his direction and he never lets anyone talk about anything other than himself.

His latest claim to fame is the fact that he's in a book about great homes of Chicago. He carries pictures of his condo and brags about how it's going to be in this fabulous book and he shows the pictures to people like it just happened to him and he tells the same long ass story. The fact is that his home is cram-packed full of furniture and it just looks so junky with all the shit packed together like that. It kind of looks like a haunted house. No one is even going to buy the stupid book.

I just don't know how anyone can yap yap yap for so long about themselves. I get the feeling that he only says the things he says so that he can get compliments from people. He's like a compliment whore with an addiction to flattery. If I could put flattery into little baggies, I could make a fortune selling it to him so he could snort it any time he felt unloved - which is all the time, because he's constantly looking for attention. He only associates himself with people to fill his need for attention. It's all about him! Look at Randy! Love Randy! It's revolting.

We all know someone in our lives who is exactly like Randy. Come on! There's always someone who holds their hand out when you see them so you have an opportunity to comment on how fabulous their new engagement ring looks. There's always someone who talks about how much they go to the gym and how much they lifted just because they want to make you feel inadequate. There are even people who tell tall tales about how they hooked up with a cute guy who claimed to be straight and they converted him to the gayness, expecting you to drop dead with the honor of being next so someone who harnesses that power.

We can only blame ourselves for their behavior, because we enable them to do it. The next time you encounter someone like Randy, just stare at them and don't say anything. Make it seem like you're not interested, which won't be hard because you really won't be interested. People like Randy depend on others to feed their malnourished self-esteem. I can't begin to tell you how much they thrive on phrases such as "tell me more" or "oh, really?" The trick is to master the "ah" and the lookaway. When Randy says something, say "ah," and look away. Eventually, he'll talk himself to death and he'll run out of steam. Don't ever worry about him asking you what's wrong or why you're being so quiet. Honey, he doesn't give a fuck!

You can't really launch a frontal attack on someone like Randy because it'll just make him stronger. It really sucks that there have to be battle tactics about social situations with friends of friends. What is this world coming to?