Where there's smoke... there's... um, someone smoking?

My friend Krissy sent me an e-mail yesterday to warn me about our friends Mark and Kevin quitting smoking together. I was warned to steer clear of both of them and to try not to say or do anything to upset them because they're quitting smoking and it's been six days since their last cigarette. What a fucking load of steaming bullshit! Just for that stupid e-mail, I will go out of my way to be a dick to both of them and I'll tell them that Krissy told me to do it. They're not really close friends of mine. They're the type of people who would hesitate and ponder whether they should take a friend to the hospital or go out on a date with someone they hardly knew.

Mark and Kevin were the only smokers in our circle of friends and we always had to sit in the fuckin smoking section just for them. They never volunteered to sit in the non-smoking section and they never did anything to accommodate their non-smoking friends, so why do we have to act all goody goody lolipop when we're around them? So not only do us non-smokers have to die of passive smoking, we also have to walk on eggshells when we're dealing with people who are trying to quit. Oh yes, let's rearrange our lives and cater to their every whim. La dee da. Would you like a foot rub as well?

"But Richie, you don't know what they're going through! You don't know what it's like to have to quit an addictive substance!"

HA! I am the authority on quitting addictive substances, bitch who said that to me. People actually treated me like shit while I was recovering from my addiction. Smokers get encouragement and 'warning e-mails' sent on their behalves, so I don't want to hear that bullshit about them having a hard time. Waah! ::mock crying::

One moment I will never forget is the time I saw Cyndi Lauper perform at a club in Houston. She stopped after her first song to ask the audience to put out their cigarettes saying that "you're all young and cute! That shit will kill ya, seriously!"

AMC Theatres had a policy regarding smoke breaks that I had a problem with. Apparently, employees were allowed to take five minute smoke breaks as long as they smoked in the back of the building. To combat this, I proposed a bacon break. Employees who enjoyed bacon should be allowed a five minute break to partake in the salty sweet goodness of bacon. My proposal was unanimously shot down. What the fuck is that all about? Too much bacon can lead to heart problems the same way cigarette smoking does.