Mad Yogi

I went to my yoga class on Sunday and I was the first person there. In the savage world of classroom yoga, you must claim your territory quickly or you will find it hard to get a good spot. So I'm there fifteen minutes before class, I'm in my spot, my chi is flowing through my chakras, and all is well...

The class fills up rather quickly, and there are a limited number of mats. For those of you who aren't familiar with yoga, the yoga mat is pretty much the place where you center your energy. It is a part of you and should not be moved once you've established yourself. Doing so will disrupt your flow. So we're ten minutes into the class and this whore woman comes in and plops her mat two inches in front of mine. She kept kicking me in the face when we were transitioning from 'right leg dog split' to 'plank.' WHAT A BITCH. Then she had the nerve to suggest that I move my mat. She obviously didn't understand anything about yoga.

Every time I went into a 'chaturanga' pose, her ass would be in my face because she does all the moves slower than everyone else. I'd come up from that pose with a huge scowl on my face and the instructor would bust out laughing. Ugh and she did all the poses WRONG. It's a fucking advanced class and she's a beginner. The class is "Advanced Ashtanga Yoga" and the instructor tells everyone that it's an advanced class.

Next week I will bring some yellow caution tape so I can have my personal space. And I don't think I'm being childish about it because I shouldn't have to feel like a sardine all the time, being crowded by newbies who don't know what the hell they're doing.