Homo for the Holidays

In about two weeks, people all over the country will be scrambling together for the Thanksgiving holiday. It's a great time for families and friends to meet up after being apart for long periods of time, but it can also be a source of major apprehension for some of us. If you're the only gay person in your family like I am, the holiday season can be pretty rough.

Aunts and uncles with horribly decorated homes will hound you for interior design ideas. Sisters will try to set you up with one of their weird gay co-workers because they think that you're completely devoid of social appeal. Mothers who think that homosexuality is a phase will corner you and ask when you'll produce an heir because it's your responsibility to carry on the family name. It never ends. Fortunately, I've gathered a list of helpful tips to help you get through it.

1. Don't go at all - My friend Joe suggested this one, and it makes a lot of sense. You save on airfare and therapist fees for after you get back

2. If you have to go, don't stay too long - Get in there, do your thing, then get the hell out of there. The more time you spend with your family, the more likely you are to fall victim to one of their mind games. Benjamin Franklin said that "Guests and fish stink after three days." That really doesn't have a lot to do with this line of thought, but I'm hoping that quoting Benjamin Franklin is going to make me look cool.

3. Have a drink - I find that a nice cocktail takes the edge off. Traveling on an airplane with liquor is out of the question, so you'll have to make a trip to a liquor store. Exercise extreme caution if attempting to hook up with someone while at the liquor store. They're usually lonely or bitter and you don't need them clinging to you after you throw some pity sex their way.

4. Spend time with the kids - This one is more of an investment for the future. If their parents haven't completely messed up their child's mind, then it'll be easy to shape their perception of the normalcy of gayness. Do some magic tricks for them, play some video games with them, and never let them forget that you're gay. They'll eventually grow up without society influencing them about the dangers of homosexuality and you'll be doing a good deed for the community.

5. Set your cell phone - I learned this trick by watching the Young and the Restless. The guy had a switch on the floor of his desk that he pressed with his foot to make his phone ring whenever someone was bothering him. I modified this technique by setting my cell phone's alarm feature to ring every fifteen minutes. You can get out of many sticky situations by receiving phony emergency calls. It'll also make you look like mister big shot!