I'll Have What He's Having

During a recent sexual encounter, something very unfortunate happened. The lights were low, we both smelled nice, and everything else was going fine until he burst out laughing. I asked him what was so funny, but he shrugged it off and continued. Then he laughed again and confessed that he was laughing at ME.

He asked: "what's THIS? And THIS?" as he mimicked my arms grasping the edge of the bed and my head thrown back in ecstasy. He also made fun of the fact that my legs were flexible, saying that I should join the circus. He thought I was faking it and that I did porn in my spare time because "no normal person looks like that when they have sex." That's one of the worst things you can hear, besides "what's that smell?"

Have you ever had embarrassing sex? In my younger days, I was the king of awkward sexual encounters. There have been times where one of us forgot to bring lube. There have been times where one of us would neglect to mention that a parent or guardian was going to be home during the time we'd be having sex, resulting in a mad scramble to get dressed. One guy even elbowed me in the nose during a very intense session and his sleeping area ended up looking like a Sicilian marriage bed.

After those awkward and embarrassing high school sexual encounters, I swore to myself that I would do my best to make each tryst delightfully memorable for both me and the other guy (or guys, depending on how flexible I'm feeling). Nothing is worse than being the star of a funny story that someone tells at a party. You'll wonder why men on the street point to you and say "there's the honker!" But that's a story for another day.

I decided really early in my sexual life that I would always have rock star sex because if someone was going do the pillow talk about me, it should only be because the sex was phenomenal. Here are some of the things I did:

• Practice yoga - Everyone knows that a bottom who practices yoga can be comfortable in many weird positions. The stretching also helps combat muscle fatigue.

• Videotape it - I took a cue from the good folks at ESPN. Sports teams review video footage of their performance on the playing field in hopes of identifying possible areas of improvement. You can do the same thing with sex. You can also sell them to amateur porn companies and make quite a haul.

• Be a one-man Walgreens - Penises come in all shapes and sizes, so it's good to be prepared for anything. Men also have lube preferences, surprisingly, and some won't even go near silicone-based lubes because they're too greasy. Having a wide selection not only saves time and guesswork, but it also reduces the need to find that one thing you don't need at Walgreens but have to buy because you don't want to JUST buy condoms.

• Watch a lot of porn - Sex can get very boring very fast if all you do is lay there and make honking noises. Porn studios are aware of the same thing and are always trying out fun new positions. If you want some really hot and unorthodox sex techniques, check out 70s porn from France.

I don't feel like I have to explain to the guy who laughed that I've worked very hard to have the type of sex that I have now. It's my preference, I enjoy it, I derive pleasure from it, and I resent being called a faker. My time is precious and I wouldn't waste it in a bad sexual encounter and fake it to be nice.

One thing is certain: he'll never meet another guy who can stand on his head and split his legs 180 degrees while getting drilled unless he goes backstage at a Cirque du Soleil show!