The Back Door Big Kahuna

Valentina, one of my very good friends who is a girl (most gay men refer to them as "girlfriends," but I'm not like most gay men) recently asked me for advice about something that I know a lot of heterosexual women are curious about. She didn't ask me if a certain pair of shoes matched her outfit. She didn't ask me what I thought of Britney Spears' latest vag-shot. She bluntly asked me about how she can have pleasurable anal sex.

I don't know what is so taboo about heterosexual anal sex, but it's not a topic that is very popular with a lot of straight women. They could be afraid that it would hurt or they may think that it's unnatural. Sarah Silverman won't do it because "doodie comes out of there." Most of the straight men I asked consider it to be a real treat, so the reason behind its rarity in the heterosexual world could be that women only agree to it on special occasions. I don't know. It's all a very complicated.

Though I am considered somewhat of an adept in matters of buggery, I won't go into details about what Val and I discussed. Part of being tasteful is leaving something to the imagination! I will say that I felt extremely honored that she came to me with such a sensitive issue. Straight women ask me a lot of questions that they assume that I can answer just because I'm gay, and it gets frustrating after a while.

One woman asked me to meet one of her friends for lunch then report back to her on whether or not he is gay because I'm gay and she thought that gays know other gays just by being in the same room with them. For the record, he was gay because we ended up having amazing sex, but it still was wrong of her to assume that I come with built-in gaydar just because I'm gay.

Another woman was getting ready for her wedding and said to me "You're gay. Which veil makes me look fabulous?" The truth is that neither of them would make her look fabulous because the purpose of the veil is to obscure the face of the bride. They could have put Chewbacca in one of those veils and no one would have been able to tell the difference... unless it was a sleeveless dress.

When Val asked me for better anal sex techniques, I was overjoyed. Someone actually understood that as a gay man, I would have knowledge about anal sex, which is the only way that gay men can have sex. Pantsless college circle jerks, naked cuddling, and sitting in a rimming chair don't count.

There are a lot of stereotypes that gay men have to deal with, such as having fashion sense, having an opinion about the latest episode of Project Runway, and knowing Cher's newest concert tour dates. I applaud Val for not perpetuating those stereotypes, even though I know she's a huge Project Runway fan and is eager to know when it's coming back but she won't ask me because she knows how I feel about these things.