Operation: Teatime

My sister told me that she is planning a 'traditional' baby shower. I don't know what a 'traditional' baby shower is, but boy am I worried! It sounds like it has to be planned and that everything has to go according to plan or else it'll be a disaster. I immediately thought of my friend Kurt and the English Tea Party debacle.

My friend Kurt fancies himself as an Anglophile. He'll read Hello! Magazine. He'll call things by their British counterparts like fags (cigarettes), rashers (bacon slices), and queues (lines). He even once tried to fake a British accent like Madonna, claiming that he hangs around so many British people that it rubs off on him.

One day Kurt and I were watching a Merchant Ivory film... or some period film like that. I don't know, but I think it had something to do with Jane Austen. Anyway, there was a scene that showed the members of high society having tea with splendid little cakes and bite-sized sandwiches with the crusts cut off, served on fabulous platters and Kurt just went hog wild with excitement.

He went out of his way to plan a fancy schmancy tea party for a bunch of his friends, complete with cucumber sandwiches (which I made), scones, and some other things that I'd never seen before. We all sat down and waited for Kurt to finish doing whatever he was doing in the kitchen, when one of us (Jason) decides that the tea smelled so good that he simply must pour himself a cup. I was eyeballing the cakes with the strawberries on it, so I grabbed one from the center tier of the three-tiered platter in the center of the table.

In walks Kurt with more goodies, but he was shocked to see that we'd already helped ourselves to the gorgeous spread. Furious, Kurt yelled at Jason for serving himself because it's the host's job to pour the tea. They proceeded to argue and I let out a little laugh because I thought it was so ridiculous. Then Kurt tears into me for taking food from the center tier before everyone has had a chance to eat off of the top tier. I told him that it was stupid and he became livid.

After we all calmed down, the tea party continued. It was extremely tense and a bit uncomfortable, especially since none of us knew the proper etiquette for Low Tea. We all exchanged nervous glances, worried that Kurt would scold us for doing something wrong.

I think that there are only two things that need extensive planning: wars and orgies. Everything else should just be played by ear, whether it's a wedding, a funeral, a baby shower, or a tea party. There is a high probability that things won't go exactly the way you plan them, and that leads to tremendous stress and ultimate disaster in the end. I really want to tell my sister the Kurt Tea Party story, but if she found out that I knew how to make cute little cucumber sandwiches, I'd be up all night in her kitchen making them for all her pregnant friends! No thank you.