Prances With Wolves

If I could pick a holiday for which I had to be sick, I'd definitely pick the fourth of July. I can't imagine missing holidays such as Halloween or the First of Muharram! My wish was granted this week when I spent the past few days sick in bed, recovering from a nasty cold.

I secretly welcome being sick because I know that I'll eventually have one of those crazy hallucinations that seem so real but turn out to be something that'll make you sound completely wacked out when you describe it to your friends. One of my English teachers in high school described being extremely ill and imagining that a tiny man was convincing her to drink magic milk that would help her get better. It wasn't the story that made her crazy. It was the fact that she actually knelt down to simulate the little man's gestures that made us wonder about her sanity.

My own questionable sanity came to light when I imagined that the spherical light fixture above my bed was a giant eyeball that could see anything that moved and I had to sit completely motionless for fear of being discovered and eventually forced to work in the mines with other boys. The eye would rotate and shoot lasers, and you'd know exactly what I am describing if you are a fan of The Legend of Zelda. The little stuffed chihuahua on my window sill told me not to move.

Here's the part where things get crazy... I truly believe that Native American spirits are reaching out to me. Don't laugh. The signs are all there:

• I like corn.

• My hallucination was actually a vision quest. They're sacred rites of passage, where young men go into a state of higher consciousness and see wondrous visions that they can't explain.

• My apartment is always very warm when I come home from work, much like a Native American sweat lodge... or the steam room at a bath house.

• The little stuffed chihuahua that talked to me in my vision quest was really my totem animal. Native Americans believe that everyone has a totem animal, a spirit guide that helps them find their path in life. You're not supposed to tell anyone what your totem animal is, so I just basically screwed my spiritual journey. Now I'll never find the path to enlightenment!

• I have been known to smoke from a pipe that I often call my "piece." Get the connection? Piece pipe? (peace pipe)