Richie Versus Evil Electronic Superstore

As a serious gamer, I need to stay current with the best game titles for all of the cool systems. That's why I'm always on the prowl at all of the electronics stores on Tuesdays (because anyone with half a brain knows that new releases happen on Tuesdays). My choices are pretty limited, and the only electronic store that I thought would ever have anything is Best Buy.

Best Buy is a huge company with over 1150 stores in the US, Canada, and China. You see ads in the newspapers and on television that try to convince you that you fucking NEED to shop at Best Buy or else your dad won't love you. I'm referring to the father's day commercial where the dad favored the Best Buy present over the dinky little non-Best Buy present. They use flashy colors and really hot print models to appeal to your senses. I, too, have fallen victim to all of the clever advertisements and I find myself going there every Tuesday to futilely find the newest video games.

I get myself all revved up as I'm walking through the door, believing that I'm going to go in and quickly find what I need and then walk out with enough time to call the people I neglect when I'm in one of my video game marathon sessions. Sadly, I never find what I need. On six separate occasions, I've come up empty handed when in search of a new release. It's quite frustrating and I'm a little hurt when I walk out, but I find myself coming back for more every time. It's exactly like an abusive relationship where the husband beats the wife or his secret gay boyfriend who he has to meet at the dirty motel across the street from the Piggly Wiggly.

I finally put my foot down this week after not being able to find a copy of "Tomb Raider: Anniversary" at the local Best Buy. I was able to find it at GameStop, which is a million times better when all you want is a cool video game. The employees are a million times more knowledgeable than Best Buy employees, and they're down to earth and will tell you like it is. Have you ever had a conversation with a Best Buy employee and gotten the feeling like he or she is struggling to string a sentence together for fear of being wrong? I sometimes wish I could look inside their minds with a special machine that can broadcast it onto a movie screen. It would totally look like stock footage from a circus in the 1920s.

I also went in there last week with my friend Scott to ask about high definition and why my television wasn't looking high definition. The picture on the model television looked fabulous and I wanted to know how I could get that on my own television. The "specialist" who helped us tried to convince me that all of the electricity in my apartment was dirty and the only thing that would help it was a $149 power strip that supposedly filtered out all of the "dirty electricity." That was the point where I threw my hands up and wondered out loud when the world got so fucked up that major companies employ smoking hot young men to influence less hot people to spend money on shit they don't need. I was wondering when this boy was going to tell me that I wasn't sexy unless I owned the third season of F Troop on DVD.

We need to wake up and smell the dirty electricity, people! Best Buy doesn't care about the little guy the same way that George Bush doesn't care about black people. The CEO of Best Buy is actually one of the nails used to crucify Jesus. Instead of easy listening music, Best Buy broadcasts the sounds of crying children over their loudspeakers.

I'm still going to shop there. Sad, huh?