Green Warriors

I was talking to Joe recently about having to buy batteries. He accused me of needing to power my sex toys, but I reminded him that all of my sexual accoutrement runs on rechargeable batteries because I live a green (environmentally friendly) life. Though my funny little statement got a little laugh, I couldn't help but feel a sudden tingle of fear run through my lithe and supple yoga-enhanced body.

It was as if Mark and Jason knew that I was mocking the green effort. Mark and Jason are two gay boys who live in the suburbs. I met them when I first moved to Illinois, during my brief period as a volunteer for various community events in Naperville. They're very scary young men with this weird ability that allows them to know when they're being made fun of.

The first time I was allowed to set my non-Birkenstocked foot in their house was also the last time. I made the mistake of tossing a soda can in the garbage. Mark rolled his eyes at me, made me pick the can out of the trash, and icily said "we RECYCLE in this house."

UGH! Excuuuuuse me! It was an honest mistake, what with having lived in Texas for four years. Texas' closest thing to environmental awareness is stocking every one of the 1000 Wal Marts in the city of Houston with shopping bags made of 10% recycled materials that ironically end up being thrown out on the side of the freeway because people love to toss their garbage there.

One of Mark and Jason's planetary friendly efforts included making their own compost in the backyard. Phew! I saw this food container in their refrigerator that one time and it had all their scrap food and other biodegradable food wastes in it (such as eggshells and carrot peelings). They'd store it in there until they'd have enough to make a layer in the compost heap. Meanwhile, the water in the water pitcher would absorb the onion and corn husk odors. Blegh!

Mark and Jason both drove hybrid cars, they used rechargeable batteries in their clocks and remote controls, and they only buy organic food. They were all about the organics. I never understood what the rage was, so I asked what organic food was. They looked at me like I'd just asked them where they buried Jimmy Hoffa and responded with "organic food is better for you." These posers didn't know what it was. I began to suspect that their green campaign was just a fad brought on by some brochure they picked up at an Earth Day rally where Sheryl Crow was the guest performer.

If you were to ask 8 out of 10 people to describe the difference between regular food and organic food, they wouldn't be able to tell you. They just buy it because they read in People magazine that Angelina Jolie was spotted at a Whole Foods.

When people are truly a part of a cause such as environmental friendliness, they aren't usually 'in your face' like Mark and Jason. If they are, you can bet that it's just a craze and you can quickly cut them down by asking them questions like you're Barbara Walters. You'll most likely find a flaw in their responses and you get to be a bitch about it by calling them out as posers. Try it!