It's a Dog Eat Dogeater World

Dear Asian queen at the gym who rolled his neck and bitch-blinked at me today for talking to someone who I didn't know was his boyfriend,

First off, who does that? The last time someone snapped in my face and rolled their neck as they bitch blinked (combination of a stare down and a roll of the eyes) was when I was handing in my spelling test in the fourth grade. I wasn't clever then and it's not clever now.

All I did was chat him up about running. We weren't planning to run off to Rio de Janeiro together on a honeymoon. To you it may have looked like flirting, but I feel EVERYONE'S biceps while pretending to be impressed.

Maybe the reason why he was so into talking to me was because you're so frigid that they used your ass as the model for the ice factory when they filmed "The Mosquito Coast." Gay men in Chicago tend to gravitate towards fun and refreshing conversation, not discussions about Paris Hilton's eating habits in jail. Yes, I heard you talking about that to someone last week while I was waiting for a machine.

If you're going to get offended by every Asian boy who talks to your boyfriend, then you're going to have a hard time living in Chicago. We're everywhere, sweet cheeks! And we love the white mens! Mua ha ha ha!

You gotta step up your game, boy! Wait, this letter started out by me explaining that I wasn't into your man. Now I'm ripping you apart and claiming that you belong in the minors with the rest of the boys who can't deep throat. I guess I really was wanting to get with him. There really isn't anything else to say, except: may the best lay win.

Hugs and kisses,

Richie