Earnest Naming Way

I posted this a while ago, but it got stamped with the wrong date and was filed in the archives. I don't know if anyone read it, so I'll repost it. Enjoy!


There was a letter in Dear Abby last month about giving children unusually spelled names. There were a lot of heated discussions involving the unique naming of children. She advised against having baby names creative or spelled unusually, and people were all upset. One woman argued that in a world full of Christophers and Jennifers, a unique name was one of the best things that a parent can do to make sure that their child would stand out. In the world of gay men, a name has very little to do with individuality. Hell, I even have trouble remembering dudes' names when we're fucking.

In school, teachers have the worst time pronouncing kids' names. If they're Filipino, forget about getting the pronunciation right on the first try! As a person with a creative name, I totally understand how difficult it could be for some people. Yes, my own mother decided to be creative when she named me. Read on!

In the weeks leading up to my sixteenth birthday, my mother kept hinting to me that she would give me a very special gift. The only hint she gave me was that it had something to do with my middle name, James. Then when the day arrived, I opened my gift and was puzzled. It was an old vinyl record with a man on the cover. He was leaned against a street post with braids in his hair and shiny red leather boots hiked up his thighs.

It was Rick James. My mother gave me a Rick James record. My mother named me after Rick James! AAAARGH! She explained to me that he was a really popular singer at the time I was born, and they thought it would be fun to have a Richard James in the family. If that was the case, why aren't my sisters named Carly and Joan (Simon and Baez)?

When you see the upwelling of names like Nevaeh (heaven spelled backwards), Machennzeigh (Mackenzie), and River, you have to wonder if doctors are secretly putting LSD into women's prenatal vitamins. Are parents really doing it for the children, or are they just trying to make themselves look all foo-foo avant-garde in the eyes of their peers?

So for all you mothers out there who are thinking of naming your children after campy singers from the 70s and 80s, remember that your sons will grow up to be fabulously gay, deeply resentful, and they'll put you in a nursing home faster than you can spell Suri Cruise.