Shiny, Crappy People

There's a bartender somewhere in Chicago that my friend Joe loathes. According to him, the guy has an amazing body and a cute face. The problem is that the guy is really snotty and stuck up, and in a constant state of grumpiness. He's always surrounded by men who can't stop drooling whenever they come within five feet of his aristocratic aura.

Have you ever seen people swoon over a really attractive jerk? It happens all the time. They swagger past us, wearing their best clothes and largest pair of sunglasses. When we glance at them, they put their noses in the air and roll their eyes because their shit smells like Egoiste and ours smells like actual shit. The fact that nobody calls them out on their rude behavior only reinforces the theory that 90% of the people in the dating pool want to be with someone who will treat them like garbage.

In a perfect world, we'd be able to do something dramatic like enslave all of the pretty jerks and use them for sex. Since we can't have people chained up in a secret room of our home, we'll just have to find a way to coexist. The question remains: how do you deal with a beautiful fiend who has entranced all of the suckers who follow him around?

• Wait it out if you're patient. He may look good now, but years of smoking and drinking can turn an Adonis into a Don Knotts. It happens to everyone.
  

• Launch a full frontal attack on them. Blame the alcohol and let loose with a good old fashioned tirade. If you're in a public place, you'll probably embarrass the hell out of yourself and eventually get kicked out... but you got to stick it to the pretty jerks! Go you.
  

• Play the intellectual route and try to make them look stupid. Watch every Hannibal Lecter film, read "The Art of War," and get ready for the battle of wits! If you're sharp, you can get the stupid pretty boy to talk and then twist his words around to make himself doubt the very nature of his existence. Be warned though - shiny stupid boys have low self esteem and may end up cutting themselves with sharp objects. But we don't care about that, do we?
  

• Ignore them. A lot of the smarter people will go with this tactic. Attractive boneheads are a lot like small children who try to get your attention by acting out. When you ignore them, they'll eventually tire themselves out and curl up into the fetal position with their thumbs in their mouths. Our time is too precious, anyway. Who wants to waste it worrying about people who are probably in need of serious therapy?

Whenever you see a pretty person and you get that idiotic thought in your head that he's mister right, just remember this little rhyme:

He's nice to look at,
a pleasure to blow,
but he's got issues
and he's probably slow.