Potato Queen

I was talking Lan, to one of my acquaintances who is Asian and he told me that he wasn't attracted to "guys like [me]." This is weird, because I could have sworn that we were discussing television shows. Anyway, I was mildly offended by his cryptic remark about guys like "me."

What did he mean by that? Did he have something against guys who drink beer out of champagne glasses? Was he not attracted to guys who play 'naked ninja' in their apartment late at night? Was he turned off by guys who are excellent deep-throaters? He should know that I once had people waiting upwards of four to five weeks to get into these pants because I was so overbooked with booty calls.

He aggravated me even further with his roundabout response when I asked him to elaborate: "I don't know, I can't really describe it. I'm into the All-American type. You know, the boy next door?"

Those are the two terms that I absolutely hate to hear.

The boy who lived next door to ME growing up was a dirty little right-winger whose family handed out Christian pamphlets for Halloween instead of candy. He was a gross little bastard who never bathed and always tried to eat the food in our refrigerator without asking. So far, I wasn't buying into Lan's "boy next door" fantasy.

Then I decided to explore the "All American" thing. Americans are people who are citizens of North America or South America, so a person who is "All American" technically should have dual citizenship between America and Brazil. Mexico is sort of halfway between North and South America, so let's say that someone from Mexico is the perfect example of "All American." Gael Garcia Bernal comes to mind! Yummy =)

What Lan really meant to tell me was that he is only into white boys. He's such a potato queen. He once said that white men were the only beautiful men on the planet, which really made me sick. I don't understand how people can be attracted to one race. You can try to explain it to me for hours, but I still won't get it. Feel free to draw pictures and use visual aids such as hand puppets and flash cards. I will never understand how people can think that other people are ugly because they are a certain race.

There's a strong possibility that aliens are monitoring our television shows and they're watching the segregated Survivor. Then when they come to take over our planet, they'll separate everyone by race and put us on different spaceships and Lan will have a difficult time trying to hook up with his fellow Asians.

At the risk of sounding like an announcer for a feminine wash commercial, I think everyone in this world is beautiful. People think I'm just blowing smoke out of my ass when I mention things like that and they try to get me to admit that I'm attracted to a particular race, but I'm really not. If you had the access code to my electronic record of tricks and lovers, you'd have proof that I don't discriminate when it comes to the attraction. But you don't, so you'll just have to take my word for it.