Dear Richie...

I was out with a friend of mine last weekend and he was feeling discouraged because he was out on a manhunt and wasn't having any luck being cruised. He was also pretty upset because he caught a lot of guys cruising me and he wondered why I was such a man magnet. The sad part is that he believed me when I told him that my skin excreted a special hormone that makes men go wild. Poor naive boy!

He asked for my advice and I saw how upset he was, so I couldn't refuse. It's really hard to explain how to cruise and be cruised, so I began by telling him that there are dozens of techniques and you have to pick and choose which one to use depending on the situation. It's like that video game, Metroid, where you need the ice beam to kill metroids and missiles to kill the Mother Brain. Anyway, I taught him a few techniques that worked for me that day:

1. The smile - Simple, straight-forward, and the ultimate "HI THERE!" sign. You can never go wrong with a smile. Think of the funniest thing you've ever seen and try to keep from laughing. The resulting facial expression looks somewhat like a genuine smile.

2. The soap opera star gaze - also referred to as "The Rock Eyebrow," the soap star gaze finds its origin with the Days of Our Lives character named John Black. John's signature expression is the turned head with raised eyebrow. This technique only works once communication has been established. People will think you're a freak if you go around raising your eyebrows all the time.

3. The laughing shoulder squeeze - when someone says something funny, go in and grab their shoulder and give it a good squeeze. If you're feeling especially adventurous, throw in a tummy pat with the other hand. Men love to be touched - unless you're my ex-boyfriend, Buck.

Yeah, I know that these are really corny. My goal is not to reveal all of my methods, but to add some background info on what I was trying to teach my friend. When he built up enough confidence to try out some of the techniques, he went and used all three of the ones I mentioned AT THE SAME TIME.

Now he thinks I'm a complete whack job because instead of flirty fun, the guy asked him how many beers he drank.

I don't know why people ask me for advice. It's just wrong! I can barely keep it together for myself. How can people expect me to help them? On the plus side, I was able to act as "the concerned friend" in front of the guy that my friend freaked out and I got an e-mail address out of him. Sweet!