Tell me, do you want to see me do the shimmy again?

During my time in Guam last week, I had to endure several excruciating dinners with my whole family. Filipinos sure love to eat. We'd go to some Chinese buffet and I'd have to explain to everyone why I am 27 and unmarried. Filipinos sure love to rub it in your face that your cousin is three years younger than you and he's got a wife and a kid while you're mysteriously single and living alone.

After a really bad dinner one night, my uncle tried to cheer me up by taking me to a strip club. It was more for his benefit, but I went along with it because I was too liquored up to put up a fight. The women at the Chinese restaurant didn't know how to make a whiskey sour, so they brought out a huge glass of whiskey. I didn't complain.

We went to Club USA in the heart of Tumon, Guam's touristy hotel/expensive shopping area. I noticed that a scantily clad woman was spraying off the stripper pole and I thought to myself: "wow, these maintenance people have really sexy uniforms!" Then the woman tossed the rag and the cleaning bottle off to the side and proceeded to dance. She was the entertainment. I felt really bad for the place because I didn't think anyone knew CPR in case the poor girl collapsed from what looked like an impending drug overdose.

Watching the G'ed out girl try to prop herself up on the stripper pole was fantastic, until a woman plopped down next to me and held my wrists in front of me. It was Officer Mona, and I had "the right to remain sexy." Anything I say will be held against her body. Yes... she actually said that to me.

Officer Mona had very bad breath and badly painted-on eyebrows. She also had six piercings on her lips and three on her nose. I did my classic "eyebrow raise" after saying something witty like the Rock does and it had no effect on her. All she said was that she couldn't move her eyebrows because she got hit in the head with a rock when she was six. She continued to regale me with intimate stories of personal injuries in her childhood, like the time when she fell out of a tree and almost died in the hospital because California trees are deadlier than Arizona trees.

I just couldn't stop thinking about how the piercings on her lip would get infected with all the bacteria that was stinking up her mouth.

To lighten the mood, I asked her what brought her to Guam and she replied: "Because my cats are having kittens." Then I said "oh so you'll be handling a lot of pussy very soon!" She didn't get it because she had a puzzled look on her face. Then she told me a story about how cats will eat their own placenta if you don't watch them carefully and that was my cue to leave. She got up to give me a hug and I was horrified to discover that she was extremely tall. I had to raise my arms up over my head just to give her a hug. It was like I was five years old and I was trying to hug a really tall relative - a really tall, skanky, stinky-breathed relative.

Is it too much to ask that my strippers be lucid and my womanly companions be somewhat ladylike? This experience is making me want to open my own brothel somewhere so it can be a fine and respected place where the boys are hot charming. I will elaborate on that in a future post. For now, I have to get the stink of Officer Mona off of my Jil Sander polo.