Get a room!

I've seen many offensive things in my life. I've seen parents hit their children. I've seen knife fights between rival gang members. I've seen American Idol auditions. Today I saw something that truly caused me mental distress and I think it is an abomination. I saw a young man and a young woman displaying their affection toward each other so overtly that I threw up in my mouth a little.

They were a young Filipino couple and they were so in love with each other that they didn't care how people would react to their heavy kissing and extremely loud baby talk. I think I heard her call him her "cutsie wootsie." Then he did this thing where he made her pick one of his closed palms because there was supposed to be a prize in one. The first one she picked was empty, so she picked the other one and that was empty. But then he proceeded to tell her that there was a hug and a kiss in that hand and they went on to make out like two gay boys in a Gap dressing room.

I'm not opposed to love. In fact, I love a lot of things. I just feel that when you giggle and peck your partner like you're an anteater and he or she is covered with tasty fire ants that you've crossed the line of good taste and tact. My only comfort is knowing that they will soon suffer immense agony and sorrow. It's the law of equilibrium. Things in nature tend to balance out and preserve the eternal union of opposites.

That means that because the two shmoopies couldn't keep their hands off each other because they were SO in love, they'll either get an std and blame each other for sleeping around or she'll find out that he likes to wear women's panties and get spanked by big black men on the 'down low.'

A lot of people will be like: "But Richie, I think you're jealous and you don't want them to be happy because you don't have a meaningful relationship with a man."

I'd say to them: "I'm not jealous, you cum bubble." If anything, they're the ones who are acting maliciously by rubbing their relationship in everyone's faces. It's like when a gay boy buys an expensive Baccarat crystal ring and stretches out his limp wrist so everyone can see how expensive it is. The truth is that it's just as delicate as a relationship and all it takes is one swift blow to shatter it into a million little pieces.

Ok that part sounded a little bitter, but do you get my point?