Sidewalk Shenanigans

As I walked to my yoga class this morning, I had a hell of a time navigating the sidewalks of Chicago with all the people who don't know how to walk blocking my way. There are people who walk slowly, people who don't walk in a straight line, and people who bogart the whole sidewalk. But the one type of walker I especially love is the nervous racist walker.

The nervous racist walker constantly looks back at the person walking behind him or her, afraid that they're going to be mugged or mouth raped. Just for kicks, I like to jiggle my keys or drag my feet to make them turn around. Then when they start to walk faster, I walk faster to match their speed - all the while jiggling my keys or dragging my feet. As the nervous racist walker looks and finds that I'm ethnic, I give them a piercing gaze and I walk faster still. Once I reach an alley, I quickly duck into it and wait there until they get freaked out when they don't see me anymore.

It serves them right. I hate openly racist, homophobic, nervous walkers. And I have serious issues.