Bless THIS!

Just when you think that the human race has achieved a higher level of social evolution, something happens that forces you to wonder if we're still living in the dark ages. It's the feeling where you know that the earth is a sphere but everyone else thinks that it's flat. Today I was scolded for not saying "bless you" to someone who sneezed.

To be honest, I was more grossed out by the sight of the sneeze than worried about the social repercussions of not giving someone a "bless you." He didn't even sneeze on his sleeve, which anyone with half a brain knows is the safest way to go when you're trying not to spread germs everywhere. He reared his head back, took a big inhale, and cupped both hands over his face. It's a lot like seeing someone pull a pin out of a grenade. You see it happening in slow motion and you know you have to get the fuck out of there as fast as you can. He immediately scoffs at me for "not having the human decency" to say 'bless you' after I stood there for a moment with a look of disgust on my face.

Human decency? Is it decent to sneeze on your hands and then go around touching everything? That's a great way of spreading germs, by the way. Let's just cut out the middle man and open our mouths for people to sneeze in. Then we wouldn't have to go around wiping everything with sanitizing solution, wondering what's coated with germs and what's safe to touch. With cold and flu season just around the corner, how can you be so worried about whether or not someone blessed you?

Do people even know when or how that stupid custom came about? There are a lot of theories, most of them revolving around the idea that our soul or life was in danger when we sneezed. People would say "bless you" to either ward off a demon trying to steal your soul, protect your life force from escaping your body during the sneeze, or to protect the sneezee from the plague. No matter how you look at it, it seems to have started in a time before the invention of the talking picture or indoor plumbing... which makes it archaic.

And another thing: why would anyone want a blessing from someone who isn't a religious leader? I'm a sex maniac who plays video games and walks around his apartment completely naked. Why are you going to ask me to bless you? That's like Mary Magdalene saying to John the baptist: "I'll take it from here, Johnny boy!"

If people are so intent on saying "bless you" when someone sneezes, then why aren't we using leeches or ancient herbs to restore the balance of humours in the body? Hmm? So the next time someone sneezes and stares at you, waiting for those two magic words, just hand them a bottle of hand sanitizer and tell them to rub hard.